Momo Sotu

Fresh Starts and Constants

2011-09-01T16:01:00.000+01:00

I last wrote in April one week before taking a trip to Devon to visit my family for a couple of weeks. A lot has happened since then.... I moved down to Devon permanently, started a new relationship, settled into a new place, set up a new job and have begun a whole new way of life.

You could argue that I’ve had plenty to write about and where have I been?! But sometimes we just need space for living... for getting on with the job, seeing what comes and dealing with daily life as it unfolds...

I am now living 1 mile from the sea, in a small log cabin situated within the South Hams Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, living with my new partner creating and building a whole new lifestyle. As of 1^st September I am officially fully self employed developing a series of income streams, spreading those seeds of potential....

It is the life style I had been wanting when I first quit my job back in August last year, and now I’m here I know it was the right decision to make. It has been a total whirlwind and yet so much of the time felt like recovery, reflection and settling into the core of myself. Often times it was a rejection of what has gone before, or of conformity – although I was greatly amused to read this recently [Why is it that all non-conformists look alike?] so perhaps I am not quite so different after all!!

Reflecting on the last year, I would say that without a doubt I had to create the space to develop myself. This whole year has been on a very limited budget, and I have been on unemployment benefit for the last 4 months as a buffer. This enabled me to join the Prices Trust scheme for setting up a business, and although I have not completed the scheme it gave me the right tracks to get my head in gear to set up as self employed.

It would also be important to say that I would not have been able to get through this year without the help of my family and friends, their support; emotionally, logistically, financially has been invaluable. It makes such a huge difference to know that there is support behind you. A few years back I made a solo transition from being a rather self-indulgent drug taker to rejoining society as a university graduate. This was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, so to now experience the difference from very limited support to consistent and wide-spread support has been a real litmus test to how far I have come.

Taking the road of your own journey is never easy, no matter how many books you read, how much you talk to others, it is just hard. But then daily life is hard! And so is following someone elses view of what we should do or who we should be. So essentially you are only choosing to use the tough stuff we have to deal with to our own advantage.

The goal hasn’t been eternal happiness and everlasting joy, nor has it been to be a consistently happy person. In the first instance (from drug muddled head) it was to find out who I was, to work out what I liked and what I didn’t like, and to find some support again. In the second instance (from corporate officer) it was to find the environment that I wanted to be in. The outcome has been a great sense of inner calm. There is not peace necessarily as I am dealing with some deeper issues that surfaced as part of this process, but a greater sense that whatever happens I will be ok. That if a tragedy befalls me, I will work it out, and if good things happen, that’s fine too. That either way things change. Life can be great one day and shit the rest but mostly it’s a little bit of both all the time.

The only constant in life is change

Knowing this has brought great comfort to me, as I know things will always change, so rather than be afraid of it or for it to be unexpected, I am always prepared for the next wave that inevitably comes. Nothing ever stays the same. Living in nature I am more acutely aware of that than I have been before. The trees can change colour from one day to the next. The stars can change place in the sky within a month. A patch of land can become overgrown in a week. Nothing stays the same.

I understand more and more each day that life is organic, it moves, changes, grows and dies all within the same space of time. It is neither beautiful nor ugly, it is not good or cruel, it just is. It exists. Difficulties always seem to arise when we try to place a framework on it, to project a way of looking at it and try to change it according to our views. “It’s not right because... (it doesn’t fit my view)”. The beauty of our world and our human existence is that no one person sees the world exactly the same way, not even twins. We all have our own unique view on the world, that we are the only people who can see the world through our eyes. Just as all the trees despite perhaps growing in the same field, being the same species and receiving the same food, will all be different.

It is not our similarity that binds us but our uniqueness, our differences.

Often I like to puzzle the greater questions in life and seek solutions, I play with ideas looking for universal rules... frameworks that can fit complex scenarios with a single unifying answer and yet all I come up with are more and more and more solutions. The only sensible conclusion that I can reach is that with perception the only constant is difference. That there is no right or wrong way to see the world no matter your opinion, or how it conforms with society, there is only difference in how we each experience and translate what is around us. To utilise this as an asset would be a great advantage to our race, however we would need to become more objective and less subjective to be able to more succinctly assess differences and their uses between one another.

Emotional Growing Pains

2011-04-27T17:04:00.001+01:00

I have been giving some thought to the challenges in recognising, dealing with and overcoming the stages of changes in our life. In identifying periods of change from one stage of life to another the clearest frame of reference would be teenagers: they are often uncomfortable to be around, grumpy, messy, rude at times, only interested in their friends, antagonistic and often physically awkward. All these outward signs that we have learnt to recognise and identify, and yet how much thought do we give to what is going on within? The emotional near-trauma that can be suffered through when changing from a child to a young adult, like a snake breaking through its old skin into the new one, underneath it is an intensely painful experience. However familiar teen-age has become it has only relatively recently been recognised as a period of life opposed to a passing of age (15 to 16 or 17 to 18 or 20 to 21) or ceremonial rite. Thanks to 1950s American culture it is now a much more widely recognised framework encompassing a period of life ranging from 13 upto 18.

It is plausible to further identify general categories of growth such as from 18 to 22 where intellectual and personality have deepened formation or 22 upto 30 where we establish as young adults; from 30 to 45 as a more formal responsible Adult, and 45 being the benchmark for ‘middle age’. Other ‘periods’ in life are also changing in the way we identify with them for example the period between 50 and 65 is no longer ‘old age’ it is the age of the grey panthers, the Saga years, for those nearing retirement with grown children, still looking ahead to their twilight years whilst enjoying the offerings of the latter stages in life. However we recognise and identify the characteristics of the different stages of human development, how much attention do we really give to the emotional growing pains experienced at the passing of one stage into another?

We know that the changes we go through and the perception we have of life affects us significantly and can last a lifetime, especially strong emotions or feeling ‘hard done by’ or wronged, or perhaps a feeling of arrival, or greater certainty. Yet most commonly these times of change seem to signify uncertainty leading to sense of insecurity in one or more aspects of life. Fear appears to still play such a great part, rather than an enjoyment of passing through the stages in life; each stage carries its own fears, whether the increase in responsibility (decision making) for ourselves, responsibility for others, loss of independence and freedom due to the demands upon us or to physical restrictions, also fears of growing up or getting older ~ ultimately a fear of change whether physical, circumstantial or perception.

There should be a serious question over where this fear comes from, is it really generated within us or is it generated and perpetuated within our social and societal framework? In either case, fear of change is a state of mind not an actuality, it is reality for us as that is how we experience it, and yet all too often it is possible to see alternatives and examples laid out by others if we chose to seek and observe them. I am a great proponent of tacit learning, whether you want to call it social learning theory, or just learning through the example of others, it is one of the most powerful personal development tools in our world today. So do we choose to have people around us perpetuating a fear of change? Fears that our innermost feelings are abnormal rather than normal? That we shouldn’t be feeling what we are; that there is something wrong with us, or that we are a problem. The continued struggle to cope with daily life whilst experiencing these awkward and challenging emotions; the way in which we reveal these emotions to others – passive aggressively, with confrontation, with uncertainty, with judgement, like a crashing wave or a perpetually lapping tide... What those precise emotions are will be unique to each of us, and yet the experience of them is common to us all. It is in part what makes us human.

Why am I saying all this? Because I believe emotional growing pains are not something to be afraid of, or to ignore, or to exacerbate with insecurity. They are normal, natural, to be acknowledged and accepted for what they are... periods of and for change. They are a chance to develop into an evolved version of yourself, not be feared but instead to be celebrated. There is on the whole quite an unhealthy attitude towards change and addressing our innermost feelings. There seems often a pain and an uncomfortability, a feeling that something is wrong with us, that we shouldn’t be having these feelings towards our family, or friends, or towards our lives...

I think we should. I think it is really important to address and reassess our relationships to people and to the aspects within our lives. How else can we make improvements or things that little bit easier, or more comfortable or smoother? How else are we going to know what needs adjusting, more or less attention? To look at the natural world, we can accept freely and willingly that it changes on a near constant basis that plants continually grow and die, that seasons change, and yet our emotions can bind us so strongly to ideas or concepts of how things Should be that we lose sight of addressing how life Could be. This does not mean a pining towards an unachievable goal...”oh if I had money I would do this”...but a question of “what can I do about this now”? a recognition and acceptance of how you feel including, and especially, the negative emotions. It is a physical offering of reflection from your body to your mind, a way of saying ‘perhaps it is time to have a think about how I really feel about this’; an opportunity for greater understanding of ourselves and how we interact with life around us; a window to learn a lesson from life that can help us overcome the challenges we experience. It is also highly likely that within our environment (the things that we see and experience in the widest sense) there is atleast one positive frame of reference; whether a book, a person, a film, a song, a report or news item that can be used to encourage new or developed ways of thinking that support the adjustments that are beneficial to make.

I believe it important to make a clear distinction: emotions are not who we are but simply a guidance system to help shape and adjust our experiences through life. We can experience them to such depth that an emotion seems as though it becomes who we are, but it is not Us. The essence of who we are is apart from our emotional state. Even our personality is only in part, a physical representation of our life experiences and, learnt behaviour. Many mystic’s and religious texts talk of a soul or higher being, this is the frame of reference I chose to use as the most basic element of Who We Are. I would identify it in this context as a sophisticated collection of light strands whose composition provides us each with our own unique hue. Light does not have a personality, it has only what we project on to it, whatever we identify or perceive that colour or hue to mean. Why am I saying this, what is the context? I am using it to emphasise that our personality and the emotions we experience are a physical representation of this light and hue but they are not It. Making change does not mean that we are changing who we are, but merely adjusting the relationship we have to our external experiences. This is a far less threatening idea than the concept of change as changing our personality. More often than not it is only a change in perception where, like applying a colour filter to a picture, it does not change the components of the picture only how it is viewed.

The essence of what I want to communicate is that from my perception, we owe it to ourselves and to those around us to take emotional growing pains seriously, to seek to recognise and identify their root cause and to seek a positive solution. That emotions are not who we are but an internal guidance system to help adjust and change the experiences we have; and that more often than not our experiences are due to our perception, not our personality. And finally that change whether internal or external is never to be feared, it only needs to be understood.

Pathfinding

2011-03-01T14:16:00.000Z

The last few weeks I have spent a lot of time doing research for my forthcoming book Hello! The research has taken me on a wonderfully interesting journey chronically figureheads of science, astronomy, philosophy and theosophy from 4000BC to the Middle Ages to Present day. All the while I have been pondering what I can do right now. Whilst writing is my focus there has been something missing... something missing from the initial stages of this vision I am consumed by. I seem to work from large to small with the vision always starting at the outer levels: the grandest scale and then I have to work backwards to find out how to bring it to life. My mind has been searching for the starting point; every now and then an idea will pop up, I try it out, it hasn't worked so I go back to the drawing board, I've been looking for the atom of the idea...the catalyst. Then this week it finally hit me: Pathfinding.

Pathfinding is a process of uncovering the factors that are most important to you. This can be within the content of yourself, your career, your home... There are a range of applications but here we are focused on the Professional and Career aspects. This process is designed to help you uncover what you really want to be doing, assess how that fits into what you’re doing now, and discuss what changes can be made to help you begin on the path as soon as the session is over.

It is something I have been doing since 2004 following a conversation with a friend who was having trouble working out what they wanted. This grew into a habit as people open up to me, those who were actively seeking to understand themselves better in a professional capacity would come and talk to me. We sit together for an hour and through a series of questions we draw out what is important and how these factors link together. The feedback I have consistently received is that these plans help set the blue print and journey that is realized by the individual over the coming years.

The focus is to help individuals identify their current purpose or role in life, to work out what function they want to play for wider society, with the concept that when we are doing work that we are happy with, we are 'feeding' ourselves and in doing so more able to help and support those around us... This founds itself in the concept of humans as a Self Organising System - the idea that when we are working in our truest capacity, fulfilling functions for ourselves and our communities (which includes our family and friends) we naturally create more cohesive environments.

In thinking about how pathfinding fitted in to my overall vision I ended up with this diagram!

Love and Rejection

2011-01-26T14:03:00.000Z

I had a very poignant dream the other night where, among other things, I'd forgotten my passport and was later surrounded by little girls in fairy costumes. It was one of those dreams where I woke up knowing that there was a lot of important imagery and symbolism. After consulting my dream dictionary I concluded that it was a question of romantic relationships and needing to reconnect with the playful creative side of myself! The dream got under my skin and got me thinking so I followed it up with a conversation with Bruno about my feelings around being loved... I finally vocalised that whilst I feel love for myself (honest not egotistical love), and I feel love for others and the things in this world... I find it tremendously hard to receive love from others.

I suddenly understood more fully the impact of rejection I'd experienced a few years before. At the time it was devastating and then coupled to other emotions I had about not receiving love where I felt it should have been.... Then in a different part of the same conversation I had commented on how it seemed that those experiencing pain, loss and rejection often create or rather exponentially increase the feeling of rejection by their own reactions. So I applied that to my own situation and came to realise what a great indicator rejection is. When the subsequent emotions we feel are inadvertent indicators that we need to go in another direction as we keep generating and developing the unpleasant feelings. It is our own emotional negative magnet for the situation we are in. The closer together you try to push the negative forces the stronger the repel becomes... and the worse the feeling and pain of rejection becomes...

I then thought about it a step further as the key seems to be in the reactions we have towards the rejector, and precisely when we need to be calm and retreat (until we're happy or emotionally stable enough to deal with it) instead more often than not we push into it. I thought about how many times we're told to fight back, starting in the school playground.... what would happen if instead we were taught to step back and observe the situation? To step back just enough so that our emotional state can become more patient, peaceful and understanding of what we're feeling. This does not mean that we allow the other to keep up with their behaviour but merely to move away enough to detach from the situation. Enough to work out what the root cause of the problem actually is. After all, when we react to someone elses behaviour without full recognizing what is going on, we're only fighting with ourselves, its our reaction to the situation that causes the most pain.

I think back to the pain I felt at being dumped by the 'passion' of my life and I realise that I made the whole thing worse. I didn't want the relationship either, but I was blinded by his emotions instead of being awake to my own need to move away from the situation. My attachment to him had gone way above and beyond my own self preservation as at that time I tended to try to please others to get approval rather than do what was best for me. ...admirable it was not, but understandable for a young sociable leo lady.

There is a lot I have to learn about commitment without attachment and loving without need... this is not to say that I will give without receiving! but to chose those who will also give without needing to receive so that the experience is mutual. This search for a more enlightened life is ongoing, and whilst there are many things to work through and work out, the rewards that I see in being able to engage with people in more harmonious ways has already had a number of positive benefits. These include better quality relationships, more patience and understanding, and a clearer head that is no longer filled with other peoples problems just my own observations, thoughts and feelings.

Return and Go Forward

2011-01-03T18:48:00.000Z

I have now returned to the UK and rather than leaving my blog on Mumbai Madness there is more to tell....

Quite simply the tourism trail was not for me. I was lured into the idea of being a tourist when I was really on a journey, an external manifestation of the changes I needed to go through internally. So going to the Ellora caves was the first step, it is a tourist site but it is also filled with interesting and good energy from the 2000 years of meditation and prayer by Buddhist, Jain and hindu monks...an amazing place. I also acquired my own local tourist guide and ended up visiting some hidden caves and swimming pools.

After this I headed straight to the Sai Baba Ashram in Puttaparthi or Prasanthi Nilayam, 'The Abode of Supreme Peace' as it is also known. This particular guru is known to me through my family as my grandfather Professor Keith Critchlow was the architect for the Specialist Hospital pictured here.

Going to vist the Ashram where my grandfather had such an impact was really special for me. It brought me closer to both of my grandparents and I feel so thankful for their influences on my life. Needless to say I started to look forward to getting back and sharing christmas with them :)

The ashram was a hustle and bustle of people going to Darshan, praying at the various statues and visiting the shops just outside the gate. It was in a word Frenetic. Lots going on at once, people everywhere and it started to get worse as I arrived during Diwali, and Sai Baba's birthday is not long after. I met some very interesting people while I was there and learnt more about love, duality and the absolute in a week than I ever expected! Next up was a trip to see friends in Bangalore...

Bangalore was Great! It was like reconnecting with normality again. Eating in french cafes, partying in bars, take aways, movies - all the usual! It was a perfect respite before I went headlong into a 10 day silent Vipassana Mediation course which taught me, among other things, that half a bucket of hot water and a chair can become luxuries!! This course was intense and hard but very rewarding. Meditating for 10 hours a day gave me plenty of time to think through past issues, future plans and to learn to be in the moment. I felt a very strong connection with my higher self and got a much clearer view of the things I needed to do. It was a really worth while experience and allowed a lot of previously hidden emotions to be released. After this very long quiet experience, it was back to Bangalore for another relaxing weekend with hot water, chairs and comforts courtesy of the very lovely Johars :)

Heading towards my last 2 weeks there was only one place I wanted to be... GOA! Finally the beach holiday I had been waiting for! Once I had settled in my beach hut it was off to the sea. I spent the first few days in Palolem but was surprised by the number of Brits and Russians boozing on the beach. Not quite my scene, so after a good tip I hired a scooter and headed off in search of quiet company. ....Found on Agonda! the next beach over. Although it is still busier than a couple of years ago (or so i'm told) it was just what the doctor ordered.

I had many interesting conversations here, discussing paradigm shifts, new age ideas, religion, psychology, concepts & philosophy even alternative energy sources. This was a place where I felt at home and kept meeting people with news or ideas that related to conversations I'd just been having. The magic of life was in the air. Not to mention the night of shooting stars.

This really was just what I needed to conclude my journey. It was 7 weeks of what has been a 7 year journey of self discovery. It is finishing one stage of my life and beginning another.

This one culminates with my first book: 'Hello! A Life worth Living' and the beginning of my second: 'Design for a future generation of Society'.

To make the move from one stage to another I have developed a blog for my new book:

http://helloalifeworthliving.blogspot.com/

I do hope you will join me in continuing the journey as I would love to hear your story of discovery!

Mumbai Madness

2010-11-02T10:44:00.000Z

Mumbai is a crazy melting pot; intense, pungent and chaotic with more people lying in the street than I've ever seen. Vibrant colours and loud horns, there is construction, consumerism, starvation and blurred lines everywhere. The excess in bureaucracy in formalities are equally balanced with the lack of it in the informal. There is something for everyone, whether it be gourmet or scraps, the trick is knowing the right price!

The Gateway to India - tourist & tout centra

I found the journey through Mumbai highlighted all the worst parts of myself. After a surprisingly smooth entry from a calm, quiet airport into a taxi ride filled with all the excitement of a new place I arrived at a low quality hotel and reality kicked in. I felt scared, nervous, self conscious, frustrated, agitated and totally distrusting of anyone. Not long after stepping into the streets I became sweaty and smelly with greasy hair and a greasy face, the 30 degree heat became 36 and I was hot but not looking so! Suddenly stereotyped into this white woman who every beggar and seller on the street saw as money, all my outer toughness began to evaporate through pure tiredness of the heat and constant questions. For those who know the Iron Lady in me, here I became soft and pliable, like an infant in new surroundings wanting but not wanting to call its mummy.

The colourful and distinctive cabs!

I came here to learn more about myself, to get greater ‘courage of conviction’ for what I want to do in life as opposed to what I feel like I am supposed to do. Instead in the last few days its like life has shown me a mirror of all the characteristics I had hidden in London; to not only look at but be confronted by elements that I had glossed over or smoothed away with pleasantries, diplomacy and intelligence, a trickery of my own mind on myself. And now I am taken out of the situation where all my social and emotional crutches are, I am forced to deal with them - fears, faults and all – the idealised version I’d like to think I am, of a well seasoned, well adjusted character, does not exist. There are elements of Morocco and Brazil that I see here but it is more intense due to the high numbers of people that seem to be scattered and fitting into every area.

A Hare Krishna Temple

In my tourist adventures over the last few days I have visited, among other things, a Jain temple, the Mosque in the sea, a Shiva temple and a Krishna temple. With all these different faiths and gods I continue to wonder what is it about idolatry or idealised beings that we seem to continue to aspire towards. I question whether it is not enough to deal with, to want to and to work towards, being the best version of ourselves... do we really need something unattainable to show us the path? I do not think so.

It got me thinking that while I read books and articles with lofty ideals my real inspiration for living is all of you. The conversations I’ve had with you about all manner of topics, conversations make me think differently and inspire me to be a better person. Whether it is about the importance of compassion and personal values; or that combining spiritual aspirations with day to day work adds greater passion to the work in our lives; or about small powerful and influential groups that shape the world we live in... It is these conversations had, often over food for aide discussion and digestion that make me think, wanting to improve myself and my situation. Wanting things that we don't have is perhaps part of human nature, and especially here in the stark contrast between rich and poor. Perhaps we have all we need in the company and discussion with those around, which could lead to a more satisfying life than on the gamble of chances... I’d love to hear examples of conversations that made you think differently.

'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and Street dwellers

Mumbai is a city of chaotic beauty if you know where to look and have the right frame of mind. It was overwhelming as a first stop into India but I think to do it again I'd go with someone else, preferably a guy, or atleast make sure I can stay with someone I know.

Sunset on Chowpatty beach

I have now vacated the city and am settled in a small town called Aurangabad to visit the ancient caves of Ellora and Ajanta...

Final Day in the UK

2010-10-28T11:11:00.000+01:00

I woke up with 'leaving on a midnight train to Georgia' in my mind, only its more of 'leaving on a 9pm flight to india'....!

Lots of people have been asking me if I'm excited and today all I have is calm. I have prepared all I can do and now all there is left to do is go. Its nice to feel that this is the first steps to the rest of my life. of course each big step we take can feel like that but this one, this time feels like the beginning of a journey that going to take me a decade or more to complete. Past my formative years in london, I've had 5 years in devon, 5 years in Bristol and 5 more years in London... I'd quite like to take a journey that lasts 15 and get some longevity under my belt!

So the suitacase is packed, sat in an empty room after all my things went into storage....

I am not expecting transformational change from my trip to India, I am only seeking courage of conviction. I know, and have known for several years, what I am interested in but it has taken me a long time to get the courage to take such a big step towards it, and I hope that if I only get one thing from India it is the courage and strength to continue. I am brave on the outside but still get shy sometimes inside :)

As the journey progresses I will begin to write more about my book, global values and ideas on gaining a sense of community in cities. Following next steps I have arranged to go and visit Damanhur in Italy after India to learn from their way of life and document it for my book. You could see it as my own version of Eat, Pray, Love!

Thank you to all of you who have supported, encouraged and inspired me this far... the only final words I would say are... Get Involved :) add comments, let me know how your journeys are panning out, difficulties, positives, tips... whatever you want to add, join me in the journey and get involed for yourself!

A Big Hug from a Warm and Calm Heart :)

Last couple of days before the flight

2010-10-25T15:04:00.000+01:00

Packing up by belongings is mildy cathartic yet rather frustrating! I have, of course, more than I thought I did to fit into less space than I thought I had - wonderful!! (she said with a distinct edge of sarcasm...) However the one very interesting find was a letter that I had written but not sent to an old acquaintance. I must have been around 21 or 22. It says that I felt happiest when looking at the world as a whole, in its entirety, and that I needed to spend more time meditating and being patient.

What struck me is that I had written this before the breakdown, so even before the experience that changed my life for good I had the same ideas and the same intentions in the long run. It is possible the letter was written even before my visit to Foz Du Igazu and the peak experience.

Either way - it has taken me 7 years to get to the point of leaving. It is amazing the time it has taken to prepare for me to feel brave enough to take more active steps towards change. Am I excited - yes, am I scared - yes, do I have doubts - no.

Life as a writer

2010-10-12T12:21:00.000+01:00

I've been sitting in limbo, wanting to but not fully trusting myself and my guiding thoughts, when I am calm, I know what I want to do - I know who I am and where I'm going. Then life kicks in, day to day routine as I've not yet finished this job and within a month I am feeling stuck, unsure and afraid. Amazing what an environment can do to you, how it can sap the motivational spark out of you despite all your best efforts. I'm often so drained in the evening I just want to relax, the get-up-and-go energy takes 2-3 days to kick back and and by then I'm back in the office again...

I remember being in Morocco on holiday this summer (NEA), feeling so relaxed and at ease, like anything was possible. Like all the dreams and ideas that I have can be realised, then sitting at the same desk, day in day out, quiet, albiet with good company and within no time I am withdrawn and unsure - fascinating :) Fascinating because I know its happening and yet almost powerless to stop it in that environment.

It got me thinking that whilst I trust that we, I and you, know whats good for us deep down there is still this environmental effect.Why is it that we so rarely trust in our own thoughts and are yet far quicker to believe in the thoughts and confirmation of others. Despite the personal reflections, thoughts, and determination it still isn't easy to walk my path and take those necessary steps towards walking in the path of best fit with the right components and right people.

This picture was taken by a friend of mine (CR) on a holiday to her home in Germany. On seeing it, I knew my next blog entry was complete.

Day 12: Reality bites and the Heart

2010-09-17T16:24:00.000+01:00

I have been fluctuating inbetween fear or the unknown and a state of heightened senses. I know that I am making this move so that I can live happily in a way that is more natural, one where I feel more connected to what's happening to the world around me. But getting there, is like trying to clear the street of rubbish. That over the years there are all these fears, thoughts that hold me back, worries, indoctrination, expectations that clutter up the road ahead. I suppose atleast now it is a state of flux, rather than just a cluttered street.

Taking decisions and moving forward has always been the easier part, its finding the reasons and drivers to keep on the path, through the questions and doubts that gets harder. I wonder if it is easier if much of it is kept 'in the moment' where there is greater fluidity, rather than waiting when doubt creeps in.

So now, the book and the trip plans are underway. The more I focus on the path ahead, the easier it get, and again I am reminded how many people there are around me to help and support this journey. Like reading Marcus Aurelius's book Meditations, such an interesting read to think that in 160AD there was an Emperor thinking and writing about philosohpy and ethics that are still relevant today. We are not so far removed from our ancestors as we think. He discusses the idea that all humans are like one civilization, each playing a role and a function for the whole, not that we are equal but that we should respect all people in their roles. This was an interesting thought.

I have realised that when I am happy there is a sensation I get between thought and heart. At this point the thoughts in my mind are gentle and fluid, and they combine with a feeling of openess coming from my heart. It is here that I feel the most secure, that the decisions I make at this point are the best for all factors.

"No word can carry anything more potent than the intent held in the heart of who speaks it." Adrian Gilpin,

The feeling of inner security is the place where I can hear my inner voice, its the same one that berates me when I've done something stupid, or congratulates me when I have done well! It feels like it is my higher self, a version of me that has greater insight that the me that exists mostly in my body. I think that we all have two voices, one that tells us about sense, reason and logic and another that draws us to things without question, where things that are natural to you, come to the fore.

CTS Rule No 6: dont take yourself so seriously

I love the TED discussions and this is a short (25 min video) of a buddhist monk talking about the heart

Day 9: Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

2010-09-14T11:30:00.000+01:00

The last entry (Day 5) inspired me to begin writing the book, and I've now completed the first pages. It is more raw and honest than I anticipated as it seemed right to use my personal experiences, weaving in insight, thought and research as I experienced and understand them.

As I reflected on the Day 5 entry I was reminded of the Hyde Park Live8 Concert in 2005. While in the main arena listening to the final few songs, I was feeling so happy and so elated, when this sentence came into my mind 'My role in this world is to be a guide for the global community', it repeated a few times and stuck with me to the point that I wrote it down that night in my diary. At the time I did not know what it meant, nor how it would manifest. I was also quite intimidated by the idea that I might have a role to play on a global level. After all, I am a small person and what right did I have to think that I could do a job at that level? Why me over someone else born in a different circumstance? Questions I did not have answers for..

Now I have chosen to take steps towards a life that is more natural to me, these words have begun to take on more weight. I am still not yet sure how this will manifest or what it means exactly, but the fact that I am reminded of them tells me that they have some meaning or role to play in this upcoming journey.

After getting feedback on this blog and the book, I found out that I need to do the one thing that I am the most afraid of - talk through my personal experiences.

Fear of being judged is something that has terrified me in recent years, but yet now it seems to get the best response. Its surprising how much personal strength it takes to stay firm and keep on track even in a direction of your own determination, perhaps especially so. Even though people describe me as confident, it never stops me getting scared or unsure at times but then someone will say something to me, or I'll see something that triggers a thought telling me I am heading in the right direction, or it gives me ideas of how to overcome the latest barrier. As a testament to that, many thanks to AGD for the following quote sent earlier this week:

“You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.”

Anthony Robbins

Thanks to Susan Jeffers and her book, 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' for the title!

Weekend Contemplation: The Earth we live on is Sacred

2010-09-12T22:50:00.000+01:00

After watching the 'Whale Rider' it got me thinking about the frailty of our planet and how it important it is to express love and gratitude towards this beautiful and dynamic planet we live on. As I was sitting contemplating this I saw this book on Nomadic People called Vanishing Footprints, sitting on my coffee table. I'm not quite sure who put it there but I found this beautiful and appropriate quote by an Australian Aboriginal called Anne Pattel-Gray

Only through our spiritual connection to the earth can we continue in our own identity... In our view the earth is sacred. It is a living entity in which other living entities have origin and destiny.

It seemed like such a beautiful thing to say I wanted to give it greater voice.

The picture is from National Geographic Photo of the Day

Day 5: Its all happening quite Thick and Fast

2010-09-10T12:18:00.000+01:00

Now my journey has begun things are flowing thick and fast. I seem to be searching and finding for more and more information and articles about the change that is taking place in our hearts and minds. This summary of the Mayan 2012 calendar gives great insight into what i am thinking and feeling at the moment. She is right. We do need to be aware, consciously aware, of the change of era that is taking place. This shift of human mentality into a global consciousness or 'global brain' is vitally important to move us forward.

The funny thing about it, and not unlike the Dan Brown books, is that the knowledge has always been here tucked away in pockets of history, like from Marcus Aurelius or Sri Aurobindo or Madame Blavatsky, it has always been here sewing the seeds for the right time to come together, knowledge from all parts of the globe from all periods in history for now.

This really makes my heart sing, reading these articles is like music to my heart. It is singing as if it is knowledge it has always known, like a familiar friend or long lost lover - something putting me so at ease I feel like I can do anything and that is all right in the world :)

Feeling so inspired by my findings of the last couple of days, I'm going to seek out sources and compile where ever I find this same knowledge from all parts of the globe and from all periods of history and build it together. Lets see what happens!

Day Three: Now I'm becoming a Nomad

2010-09-08T11:16:00.000+01:00

So the next development is me taking steps to move from each of the day to day holds of life like rent. I wasn't sure of the direction this one was going to take but thanks to an amazing offer that I am incredibly grateful for I am about to begin my life as a nomad.

This is something that I have never done before. In the 11 years I have been living on my own I have always had a place I can call home, that one base that allows me the freedom to have people to stay, cook meals, watch films and enjoy deep conversations in personal privacy and security.

Contemplating giving this up has been a trial, thinking about all the things that we hold dear such as possessions, primal security and stability. So many different thoughts in my mind, and then I am reminded of what I said when I first left the family nest... Home is wherever I am.

Connections in India are falling into place and things continue to progress at a steady rate, each day I am becoming more and more and more settled and content to this new way of life. Long may it reign.

Day One: I Quit my Job

2010-09-06T23:46:00.000+01:00

Ooh my goodness, I've just gone and done it - Quit My Job!!

I am finally taking steps into walking a path and life style that suits me more naturally. After flip flopping over this decision for a few weeks, it happened in an informal meeting that the right time, right conversation and right decision to leave and venture for pastures new.

I am both scared and excited!!! Not so much fear of the unknown or fear of making mistakes or wrong turns but fear of the time of recovery in having made said mistake or wrong turn. Nevertheless, here I am, Day One ready to set foot into the unknown and future.

There is something inside of me that is just says there is another way of living, a different way of life that is more natural, fitting with the earths movement and that allows me to move more harmoniously.

So I now intend to kick start this process in one of the worlds spiritual centers...India :) A 6 week trip from the Southern tip through Goa and Mumbai to Bihar in the North East. I am seeking a culture shock and increased sense of spirituality to find out if my belief in living an intuitive life is possible.... Wish Me Luck!!!!